


matching hearts: a blessing

by mydeerjoshua



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 18:26:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9915359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydeerjoshua/pseuds/mydeerjoshua
Summary: Most people tend to gain their soulmate marks from late teenage years through adulthood so it's always been a wonder to Jeonghan the presence of a tiny heart on the soft skin of his hand since he was ten.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Eeehhh...this actually didn't come out 100% like I wanted but I had to get it off my chest. I wish I could say I will expand this universe in the future but currently I'm prioritizing other plots. Watch me die and still not get half my jihan fics published ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ nevermind my other ships, right? Anyway...
> 
> By the way, this is rated M because of a very brief scene. Overall this is a rated T fic but I dig some soft porn, I guess.
> 
> Enjoy.

 

 

 

Most people tend to gain their soulmate marks from late teenage years through adulthood, so it's always been a wonder to Jeonghan the presence of a tiny heart on the soft skin of his hand since he was ten. One day he had come back home sweaty and dirty and happily exhausted from playing with friends, the other he was scrubbing the black stain between his right index finger and thumb. When asked for help, his mother had been not any less surprised than him.

“My god, Jeonghannie,” she had said, stroking her son's hand between her own. “What an early blessing for you.”

But Jeonghan has always wondered if the curious, awkward side glances he has received throughout his life are truly a blessing. If all the frightened turndowns from past crushes, in fears they might never be enough for him, are a blessing. If the fact he's always felt like an outsider among unblemished, spotless skinned friends is a blessing.

\---

Many people advised him against pursuing the idol singer dream, claiming his public image wouldn't sit well with a heart shaped mark so visible in display. Jeonghan defies that theory in every opportunity he gets to rub his status on the face of crowds of thirsty fans bearing sharpie inked hearts at the back of their hands. Theirs will be washed away by sweat and tears but his will always stay, forever a reminder that he is the coveted soulmate-missing idol. It's a dangerous move his company considered and reconsidered before allowing any of his info to leak but it's been the most strategic marketing move they've ever done. Speculations and rumours about idol groups having soulmate marks, sometimes matching ones, are no news to the industry but Jeonghan's blatant showing off has the nation's attention completely. The fact his soulmark is a cheeky, tiny heart in his hand is the cherry on top.

“It's my charming point,” he's said to many interviewers, exhibiting his hand like the ultimate prize. “Forget about wearing your heart on your sleeve. I wear mine on my hand.”

But even if he's the only one to publicly acknowledge a soulmark, he knows he's not the only Seventeen member to have one. It's in the way some wear their clothes, tug at shirt brims, keep a secure hand over _something_ even it there's fabric covering skin. Some like Seungcheol are not so secretive about it, only hiding the three dots behind his left ear by their company's request. But most are too apprehensive by the topic. What if they don't have a soulmark and dread the day they wake up to find a strange stain somewhere along their body, a path leading nowhere because of their fame? Or what if they do have a soulmark but can't claim their soulmate, can't even fathom the idea of finding them and risk ruining their careers? The possibilities are endless, and so are the faults. The soulmate system doesn't favor everyone, much less them.

“ _Much less me,”_ is what Jeonghan thinks now.

They're in between takes recording the Pretty U music video and Jeonghan is sitting around the warehouse, waiting. The next shot starts the moment Mingyu barges the car through the fence on the door, cueing their rehearsed party. Faking diversion for the cameras is easy for him. Jeonghan's always been good at reading the mood of a scene, so it's only natural to get up and moving when a loud crash has the camera rolling. It's only a matter of smiling and dancing and fooling around along dozens of people he doesn't know. _“But it's better than pretending to have a love interest.”_

He still recalls the Mansae music video and all the fuss surrounding the students in it. What are love songs without love interests in a music video, right? But the problem was set by the – purposeful? – lack of fake soulmarks in either the figurants and the members. Except, of course, Jeonghan. There was no explicit prompt for him to be the center of the plot and the average amount of screentime may have fooled most, but not him. It was in the subtle photography, the camera angles, the chosen shots. He knew exactly what he had bargained for when he chose this path, but still the finished MV had him scratching the back of his hand raw. A few wons wasted on hand lotion had the itch soothed enough to perform on stage, but his main concern was something else.

That concern goes by the name of Joshua Hong, the boyfriend he's avoided the whole filming day. True, they were luckily arranged into different groups and scheduled for scenes that only met by the final sequency to wrap up the video. But his soulmark has been bothering him again for a while now and he doesn't want it to show. Except a whole day apart has him itching for other reasons. It's a wonder that in a crowd of raised arms and indistinguishable bodies he still recognizes that one hand, stained by colored dust but oh so clean compared to his own.

It's a good thing they're in public and both are too careful to do something stupid like reach for each other and denounce to the whole crew that yes, they're together, and yes, they're not soulmates but it doesn't matter. Only, it's always mattered to Jeonghan. Ever since their first kiss during trainee days all Jeonghan's worried about is: how long? How long can they be together like this, hiding their relationship from the company and the fans, mindless of the consequences? How long until a soulmark blossoms in Joshua's skin and Jeonghan withers because hell, he knew it, they're not soulmates after all? How long until his heart stops bleeding in his hand and he gives up a relationship doomed from the start?

They've had endless talks about them, about the possibility – _certainty_ – that Joshua isn't Jeonghan's soulmate and that's ok. _“I'll always choose you,”_ is what Joshua's always said, spreading lotion on Jeonghan's hand, kneading fingers numbing the pain just a little. Jeonghan argued Joshua can't know that until he's met his soulmate and found himself clicking with a complete stranger. Joshua retorted because, what's the guarantee Jeonghan won't do the same to him if it all comes to _his_ soulmark and not Joshua's? Jeonghan denied it. _“I'll always choose you too.”_ But what's his guarantee?

The world around him is a buzz of laughter and music from the people he loves but somehow he feels lonely. One has to be truly lucky to be able to find their soulmate in the sea of people inhabiting the world so the default is actually settling with someone else. No one will blame you for not trying hard enough. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. But they sell songs about fullfiled lives alongside soulmates they don't know and Jeonghan's heart aches for it, for someone to meet him halfway. He wants that someone to be Joshua.

Someone pulls him by the hand to the center of the party and he finds Joshua's smile stretching to his eyes when Jeonghan appears. There is so much Jeonghan wants to say, so much he wants Joshua to know, but the words don't come from his mouth. Instead, they blare in loudspeakers with their voices ( _“Beatiful words like the lines in a movie, the words I've prepared overnight for days, I want to say them to you tomorrow with my clenched fists”_ ) and Jeonghan shouts the next line along with the crew, his eyes glued to Joshua's.

“ _You are pretty.”_

\---

It's late. It's too late for anything reasonable other than sleeping but Jeonghan finds himself rolling around his bed for hours. He leaves the soft snoring in his room in favor of the silence of the common living room, hoping the dead quiet of the night will calm his thoughts. He paces around trying to wear his nervousness off but all he gets is more agitated.

There's no physical feel about his soulmark, no swelling nor edges that would flag the presence of anything in his skin. Still, in the dark he can _feel_ it etched into him, a leftover scar from a lost battle. His nails are ready to scrape it off when a small knocking on the door has his every move stop. The perfect image of Joshua's worried face comes to his mind before it shows to his eyes.

“Jeonghan? Are you ok?”

Of course he isn't and they both know. Lately there's only one thing that's kept Jeonghan awake at such ungodly hour when morning schedules start by 7am. Joshua almost caught him red handed anyway, so there's no use in lying. He just shrugs and slumps down a couch, quickly joined by his boyfriend.

“Is it bothering you again?”

Jeonghan's answer is a muffled groan against Joshua's shoulder. Joshua combs one hand through his short hair while the other squeezes his hand – _that_ hand – and Jeonghan sinks into the touch. Gentle fingers alleviate his heart enough to make him drowsy. The itch is only a whisper now, but he fears the moment it will scream at him again.

“Tell me what's on your mind," Joshua requests.

“You,” Jeonghan offers.

Joshua's laughter fills him with overwhelming heartache. Their entwined fingers, their tangled legs, their matching hearts. _“Well, one of them at least,”_ Jeonghan closes his eyes and merges into fantasy. In a perfect world there's no such thing as soulmates. No emptiness from the absence of the unknown, no frustration over the presence of the known but uncertain. Everyone is free to choose whoever they please without the ghost of a mysterious force looming over their choices, tainting their skins, binding their cores to someone who may not even exist.

Jeonghan remembers his happy family and how his parents have made it through almost thirty years with two kids and no soulmates. But he's always been too smart and nosey for his own good so he's seen it. The wondering gazes, the longing touches to unequal marks, sometimes a silence too long before one says “I love you” back. He doesn't want to spend his life looking over his shoulder, doesn't want to wake up every morning wary of the sudden appearance of someone with a tiny black heart like his. Every time Joshua looks at him he's scared.

Arms lock around his body and Jeonghan leans into the warm cocoon of Joshua's embrace. He wants their connection to defy this soulmate thing, wants it to be the exception, the breakthrough to dismantle whatever fate has set for them. But so do other million unhappy souls, trapped in songs, doramas and movies. His tiny little heart doesn't mean a thing other than the exposure of his flaw. He isn't special.

“Stop torturing yourself.”

Jeonghan groans when Joshua shifts under him, making eye contact. A whole argument happens with just their glances and Jeonghan knows he'll lose. If he has to lose to anyone he wants it to be Joshua. He wants to be wrong about all these assumptions, to be scolded for all of his complaints, wants a guiding hand leading home. Jeonghan gets lost in the path Joshua kisses from his knuckles to his heart.

“Talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say that you don't already know?”

“Tell me you love me.”

Jeonghan is distracted by the way Joshua drags his lips across his soulmark. The view makes something hot grow in his stomach. Joshua looks ready to bite it off, to get rid of whatever threat that tiny heart represents. But he does little more than kiss around the mark, eyes set for Jeonghan's reaction.

“Of course I love you.”

Each time it's like his first confession, all sweaty hands and downcast eyes, but Joshua never allows him to look away now. Hands tug an invitation to Jeonghan's heart and he complies. It's more breathing than kissing but the warmth coming from Joshua's mouth is like his favorite childhood blanket. His lips chase away the monsters lurking under the bed and Jeonghan yearns for his safety. Hips to hips, chest to chest, mouth to mouth. _“Heart to heart,”_ Jeonghan completes mentally when a thumb swipes over his soulmark. Joshua's tongue licks fire down his throat and he is thirsty.

“I love you.”

He swallows Joshua's voice in hungry gulps until his stomach is full.

\---

Waking up without Joshua is like the calm before a storm. The weight of him is shapped onto Jeonghan, carved into skin and bones even in his absence. A thin sheet drapped over his body does little to keep the leftover warmth of his boyfriend but Jeonghan doesn't intend to lie still. It must be too early for alarms to go off because the dorm is peacefully quiet, so he hopes to have some extra minutes of Joshua to himself. The sound of running water has him knocking on a bathroom door. He adds his name to the knock so Joshua knows it's him.

A gentle voice allows him inside a steamy bathroom where Joshua is washing his face. His hair is damp from a long shower he must have taken so it's a wonder he still feels the need to clean anywhere. When Jeonghan steps closer, Joshua flinches. There's a moment of hesitation before Jeonghan takes the next step but when he rests his head on Joshua's shoulder, he isn't pushed away. But the muscles under his chin are tense and his own jaw is strained before he dares voice his suspicions.

“Did it...?”

The way Joshua shakes his head gives Jeonghan a mix of relief and disappointment.

“No. I- I thought it had but I showered. It was just a random stain. Maybe from the music video, I don't know. But it was nothing.”

Jeonghan hums his understanding but his soulmark burns like it knows. _“He's not yours,”_   it mocks him. _“He's not yours,”_   Jeonghan has to squeeze his hand in a fist to stop the urge to scratch. Joshua notices like he always does, easing his hand open to bring Jeonghan's heart to his lips. The skin becomes oversensitive where Joshua kisses, from hand to elbow to shoulder to neck. Jeonghan is breathless by the time their lips finally meet, hurried and demading. His stomach growls when Joshua has him pressed against the sink, eager fingers digging at the soft skin of his hips.

They don't have time for this. Alarms will wake the dorm soon and they'll be lucky if they manage to exchanged a few more heated kisses before their stage personas have to take over for the day. Dressing up, make up, cheerful smiles that sour to politeness by the end of scheduled activities. The heart beats angry in his hand when Joshua tries to pull away too soon, so Jeonghan brings him back with a bite. Joshua whines, fucking _whines_ into his mouth with his hips thrusting impatiently into his. There's something hot about grinding together in messy, sloppy moves that grow desperate by each second threatening to expose them but Jeonghan is ultimately frustrated. He wants more, _needs_ more than this but they don't have time.

Thoughts of Joshua under and above him, between his thighs or inside him have Jeonghan moaning senseless. A pair of lips try to silence him but Joshua is just as vocal, cursing his name with a broken cry that makes Jeonghan's knees buckle. Joshua's name gets caught on his throat as he comes, hot and blind and absolutely _weak_. The only thing holding Jeonghan up is Joshua's heavy, stuttering hips still riding down his own orgasm.

They're a heap of limbs and gasps and sweat in need of a shower to cleanse the smell and looks of sex but Joshua is clinging to him and Jeonghan has no resolve to break the contact. The distant sounds of chatter and feet pacing around the house barely register when all Jeonghan pays attention to is the rhythm of Joshua's heartbeat on his chest. His soulmark throbs just as loud but he ignores it. Whatever – or whoever – that tiny heart is feels so irrelevant close to Joshua's lips laying kisses on his neck, so small compared to Joshua's broad hands holding his face, so empty and lost in the universe of Joshua's eyes.

“I love you,” Jeonghan breathes without thinking.

“I love you too,” Joshua replies full of intent.

\---

But part of him knows something's up. It's an uneasiness that sticks through the moment he sits backstage to be dolled up by hairdressers and makeup artists to the excruciating wait before their first stage. Joshua stays as close as their promise of no public touches allows him to, but even as he breaks it with a light squeeze of Jeonghan's hand – too inocent for anyone to read more than friendly closeness – he knows it. A cold kind of burn imprints the skin where Joshua had his fingers wrapped around but there's no time for questions. They line up on stage and Jeonghan swerves nervousness into dancing energy during Chuck. It helps the itch, but barely the intrigue.

He volunteers to explain the album concept for the interview, to release some more of his tension. God knows it would drive him insane to be this agitated inside but tamed and still on the outside. Eagerness has him losing track of his speech amid it but thankfully Seungkwan helps; even Mingyu completes his part for him because Jeonghan can't seem to concentrante on his own job.

His attention floats until Joshua is picked for the Lie Detector and the hair on Jeonghan's nape stands up. There's no way the interviewer would ask anything incriminating; it's just his paranoia talking to him, picking on his nerves in his fragile state of mind. But he almost, almost sighs in relief when the question is about whether Joshua is the best at 3 line poetry or not. Jeonghan laughs a bit too enthusiastically when the Lie Detector confirms Joshua's affirmation, only to have it denied in a disastruous free style poem.

The rest is a blur of skits he partakes only half heartedly. The moment they're dismissed to get ready for Pretty U is relieving. Jeonghan is purposefully slow when getting into his suit, stretching all the minutes he gets. But somehow he's still the first to finish so the rest of his time is spent pinching his nose bridge to dull a growing headache. He accepts a water bottle someone hands him and it's only halfway through the content he notices it's Joshua. Jeonghan offers the bottle back and Joshua drinks the rest without blinking.

“You look tense.”

“Stage fright.”

Joshua makes a face like he wants to say something, yet again they don't have time. Someone rushes the group to assemble on stage and soon they're not themselves again. In the minutes before the melody begins he looks behind the sofa, where Joshua is crouched in position. In the darkness he imagines the curve of his back, the head hanging low in concealing. Jeonghan purses his lips, a question Joshua can't see. He's always had a lot to say, has always had too much to say about anything he can shove his opinion on. Yet with Joshua the words sometimes don't come.

_I will confess what has been on the tip of my tongue tomorrow._

The music starts as he gives his soulmark a light scratch.

 

\---

He's exhausted. Somewhere along the day the electricity in his body dimmed to a minimal current that has his eyes drooping in the van back home. Jeonghan claims a bathroom just as they step into the dorm, desperate to get his make up off; showering can wait until the next day but he refuses to sleep with shit on his face. Halfway through removing layers of concealer a small knocking on his door has Joshua's name on his ears.

His boyfriend looks just as tired, all disheveled hair and swollen eyebags in an oversized sweater. It reminds him of a worn out teddy bear when Joshua steps into his open arms, soft and supple. They've been past conversation formalities for a long while now so Jeonghan knows something is brewing in the swallowing against his neck. He nuzzles into Joshua's cheek, cooing the words out of him.

“I lied to you.”

Jeonghan can't say the confession is unexpected but it hurts all the same. He nods his understanding but does nothing to encourage more talking. He is glad to know, but he isn't _ready_ to know. Tears burn behind his eyes and he hides them in the familiar curve of Joshua's shoulder. Is it jealousy or paranoia when you _know_ there's someone out there destined to take away the love of your life with a claim printed into their bodies? Jeonghan can only think how life or God or whatever other force has conditioned them to this is unfair.

“I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault.”

“Then it's not yours either.”

He laughs or sobs or both, he isn't sure. The sound is choked by Joshua's shoulder, a pillow where he lays all of his worries. A certain day comes to memory, some time during Seventeen Project when they had their rings taken away. That night had them sharing insecurities, fears, the loneliness of naked fingers. _“There goes my future,”_ Joshua had whispered in desolation. _“There goes your future,”_ Jeonghan had whispered in consolation, linking their pinkies. It was a pretentious move to think he mattered as much as Joshua's dreams. If anything Jeonghan was a temporary choice; a filler until a soulmark faded in to bound Joshua to his rightful half. But his finger had been held throughout the night. _“There goes_ our _future,”_ and Joshua had kissed his heart.

It's Jeonghan who kisses him now, tasting Joshua's sweetness in tear stained lips. When Joshua sobs into his mouth and breaks the contact, Jeonghan keeps kissing him. From salty cheeks to closed eyelids, Jeonghan kisses the sadness from him until Joshua is chuckling.

“It tickles.”

“At least I made you smile.”

Joshua presses a fist onto his shoulder like he means to hit Jeonghan but the hand just stays there. When he notices Jeonghan glancing down at it, his smile shies away. He means to slide it off his sight but Jeonghan doesn't let him, instead clutching his hand onto his own.

“Tell me where is it.”

“Ok, just...don't laugh at me.”

“Why would I laugh?”

The way Joshua blushes with his hands on the waistband of his pants has Jeonghan humming in interest. Joshua steps ouf of his sweatpants and stops there, fingers fidgeting with the under side of his broxer briefs. When he pulls the fabric over his right thigh, Jeonghan does laugh.

“Are you kidding me?”

“I told you not to laugh!”

“Sorry baby, this is just...wow.”

It's a mix of fascination and pride, strange pride swelling in his chest when he thumbs at the soft skin of Joshua's inner thigh. Is it a coincidence or a straightforward joke that Joshua's soulmark is a tiny black heart just like his? _“Well, I did ask for a matching heart. Never mind the wrong place.”_ He tugs at the mark, runs his thumb over it and presses down hard enough to make Joshua wince. Jeonghan licks his lips, thirsty for that sound.

“Stop fondling me.”

“Well, you're the one that dropped your pants for me.”

“Not for you to get any ideas.”

“My mind is full of ideas now.”

But his thoughts are less physical than he makes them sound. When he closes his eyes in wishful thinking, Joshua welcomes him in his arms. In the darkness he pretends Joshua's heart is where it should be, a twin to his own where their hands meet. He imagines the completeness of their laced fingers around his soul, a gentle caress making everything fall into place. It's intoxicating and his whole being longs for it, a raw kind of love that leaves his lungs aching for the air that Joshua breathes into his neck. The fantasy vanishes when Joshua's right hand comes into view, stroking his cheek.

“I still love you, you know.”

“Still? You make it sound like this changes anything.”

“Doesn't it?”

“No.”

The words come easy not because he knows them, but because he _feels_ them true. Some part of him will stay tender to the touch, sore and sad in eternal wondering for something. But this part of him – the one that reaches for Joshua and is met halfway; the one that still vibrates every time they kiss; the one that holds their pinkies together in promise – is...

“It's a blessing.”

“What is?”

Jeonghan brings Joshua's right hand to his lips, smiling against the bare skin between his thumb and index finger.

“This.”

 


End file.
